If you're a middle aged woman, caring less can only lead to good things.

Being a gen x woman in 2023 often feels like you are being forced to shed every single piece of skin or amour that you’ve built up over five decades. You’re having to relearn everything you thought served you as a younger woman. The work exodus of women in their fifties being just one example of this.

If you have daughters who are now in their late teens or early twenties, you may have watched in awe as you see them exert themselves daily in a way their mothers are simply not programmed to do. They often seem to know what they want and simply demand it. They often possess a razor-sharp awareness of toxic behavior in their teachers, boyfriends or fathers and they refuse to accept any of it. They were raised on prom dresses and Instagram able sleepovers. They know their worth.

Meanwhile, gen x women came of age during ladette culture and have spent their youth crow baring themselves into male spheres, including a male work environment where in the nineties, discussing flexible childcare arrangements was literally more taboo than workplace sexual harassment.

We drank to fit in with the men. We drank to assert our place in the world. We drank to escape the continuous pressure of “not ending up like our stay-at-home mothers” as though being a homemaker was the ultimate crime.

But exhausted and disillusioned, gen x women who can, are dropping out. Michelle is 53 and had, by her own judgement, a successful career in account management. During the pandemic she was made redundant and now she flexes her time between monetising her passion for crafting and working in the gig economy as an events steward.

There are several reasons why gen x women are leaving the corporate job market. Often times they’ve invested their youthful years being the “caddies” or “girl Friday” for the men. Men who at the same age are often now retiring off the back of their female colleagues hard work. The dynamic between the male sales director and the female marketer is a good example of this.

Sarah, 49, runs her own business creating comms strategies in the logistics sector where she spent most of her career. She worked in various marketing departments and got promoted to mid management level before finally leaving to set up her own marketing freelance business. She often attends the same logistics events she attended two decades ago. “I literally never bump into my old male colleagues from my previous workplaces. They’ve all made their money as Sales Directors and retired.”

“Yes, I am quite bitter about it. I didn’t get to put my kids to bed at night because I had deadlines for their sales events. They pushed me for more and more marketing support, and I never felt I could say no. Now they’re retired, my kids are grown up, and my pension is nonexistent.”

More and more middle-aged women are leaving corporate life as the culture in the male dominated companies is just not changing quick enough and time is running out.

Julie, 50 says, “In the nineties and noughties we knew it wasn’t right but in more traditional industrialised jobs we were a significant minority, and we had no choice but to play by their rules to succeed.”

She continues, “It felt as though to justify your place at the table you either had to be a skivvy or a bitch.”

Then, just at the point where gender equality in the workplace is making a few inroads, gen x women are facing ageism, and are deciding that enough is simply enough. It’s just too hard and the rewards have been over stated.

“In your forties, as a woman, you get to the point that you look around and you realise most people, family members, managers, kids, even parents, and often husbands have taken a lot without giving much back and you’ve just somehow let that happen.”

So why are so many middle-aged women having this epiphany now in their late forties and early fifties? It seems to be a heady mix of the ongoing post pandemic reset, lower oestrogen levels meaning lower tolerance levels and seeing the gen z women within their orbit coming of age. Often gen x women are learning from their gen z daughters, whether it’s about toxic relationships or toxic work cultures.

“My daughter simply won’t do things if it doesn’t suit her. As annoying as this is, I’m certainly taking a leaf out of her book. I go where I’m respected now.” Says Julie.

80% of those suffering from auto immune diseases are women.

In Gabor Mate’s book “When the body says no,” he discusses why 80% of those suffering from auto immune diseases are women. He asserts that whilst the medical world may be uncertain as to why this is, it is actually very simple. Women absorb the emotional stress of families and spouses. When you look also at roles in the workplace where women dominate, you can see a similar pattern. In roles where women dominate, whether it’s within the caring roles such as teachers, medical professionals and carers, or in communication-based roles such as marketing, communications and HR, these are the roles where the professionals are taking on the emotional load. Marketers are responsible for the brand of a company, or one could argue the “soul” of that company. The output of a marketer's work is always on display ready to be critiqued by the rest of the organisation. Unlike working in finance, not a day goes by where you can simply work and hide away. HR professionals are responsible for the happiness and social norms of a company. Teachers and medical professionals absorb the traumas and stresses of their pupils and patients. The toll taken on the nervous system of emotional burden is only just starting to be talked about. Furthermore, it is yet to be linked to the gendered roles we often still have in work and business.

Whilst young women are still socialised to take on the emotional load within families and friendship groups, it’s encouraging to see this being called out more and more.

By discussing the unseen emotional load and acknowledging it in real time and learning to say no, we can start to explore why society is literally making so many women ill in this way. Until this is given the gravitas it deserves as a topic however there are a few things you can do.

Practice saying no and implement it when needed.

When someone asks you to do something, pause for 5 seconds before responding. It may be something you want to do. If it isn’t, do not commit or better still, simply say no. You don't need to give a reason. It’s surprising just how often “no” is accepted when presented as a response.

Become comfortable with the silence in meetings.

When a “gendered” action is raised in a meeting, such as organising the Christmas party, do not volunteer to help. Sit in the uncomfortable silence whilst everyone waits for (usually for a female) colleague to volunteer. Come pre prepared with examples of what doing that work might stop you from doing in your day job. Suggest teaming up with a friendly male colleague to get it done and to make the point that men are capable of hidden emotional work too.

Stop helicopter parenting your adult children.

Joanne’s 28-year-old daughter didn’t arrange insurance for her car and was driving illegally. When Joanne pointed this out, her daughter burst into tears exclaiming it was her mother’s fault for not telling her it was needed. In the end Joanne arranged and paid for the insurance. In an age of google a gen x women is not needed to sort out life admin for their adult children. Simply point them in the direction of google and stop helping. You are still a wonderful parent and a less resentful and stressed one.

Don’t let WhatsApp feel like work.

Often when gen x women aren’t fixing their kids problems or hidden work issues, they are counselling their friends via coffee meet ups or via WhatsApp. Being a support to a friend in need is a joy and a privilege. However, if you are starting to feel drained, or you find yourself spending hours providing free counselling and advice to your friends and family on WhatsApp whilst watching a film, stop and kindly explain to your friend you need a rest or are having a break from your phone. Consider deleting the app or if that's too drastic, measure how much time you spend on it each day and consider what you could do with that time instead. WhatsApp can invade your personal time and your boundaries to chronic levels. Remember there's a balance in loving your friends and that this is more emotional work of your own making.

Give up your own martyrdom narrative.

It’s a cruel piece of advice that we are often the toxic problem. We love to be martyrs whether we are victims or rescuers and fixers. We love to share with our friends over a meal how much we’ve DONE for our friends, work and family members free of charge with no recognition. There are a couple of ways you can wean yourself off this addictive habit. Learn about the drama triangle and acknowledge when you’re persisting in this narrative. You may not be driven by money, however, by giving yourself an hourly rate for all your rescuer “work” you will start to consider how much money you would have made if you hadn’t given so much free support and had charged accordingly. Suddenly sharing about how much support you give everyone feels different, maybe even a little foolish.

Women across the globe continue to fight for equal rights and equal share of resources. Women still only own 20% of all the earth’s land. Until very recently the only way to get any sort of power, recognition or resources was through the unpaid caring roles we provided. We need to be kind to ourselves that we are almost programmed to gel society together through caring at a micro level for everyone and everything. But now unfortunately, and to the detriment of western society, our society will no longer feed us for simply nurturing, caring or being wise. We have to work long hours to pay our own bills but are still expected to do the free emotional work. Of course men have unpaid emotional work too in society. The burden of being the "protector" is real and causing men significant mental health issues. But as our parents age and our children struggle to make the rent, it's the middle aged women who are organising the carers to come into the home and cleaning their ageing mothers houses and transferring money to their kid's bank accounts whilst searching for a better paid job for their son.

Gender equality won’t happen in our lifetimes, but we often make the mistake of thinking we have no agency in our own lives and the future lives of others to make things better. Behavior is learnt from generation to generation. Intergenerational stress exists. So, it’s understandable that women who have been marginalised in most societies for millennia fall foul to taking on these burdens, as nurture is one area where women have some power in society. But over time either care needs to be rewarded, or men will have to play a larger part. We cannot have another burnt out gen x generation of women in future times suffering chronic menopausal symptoms and getting ill with all kinds of auto immune diseases.

Stories, language, and behavior matters. By acting more like men, entitled, expecting more from life and by saying no, maybe we will see a more radical change than even legislation has given us. It just takes a simple shift in your mindset everyday. Society will simply have to fall into place around that shift. The world will still keep turning if you don't pre order that latest shiny thing for your niece or son, and you just read a book instead.

Start now. Walk down the street and don’t offer up those free smiles. Don’t be the first to ask your ageing family relative how they are. Forget to wash your 22 year old son's clothes. See what happens.