Precious, precious time and how to navigate energy sapping humans

“No person would give up even an inch of their estate, and the slightest dispute with a neighbour can mean hell to pay, yet we easily let others encroach on our lives. No person hands out money to passersby, but to how many do each of us hand our lives!” Seneca on the Brevity of Life 3.1-2

Ah the stoics. Clever people. They were writing life hacks that hold true two thousand years later. But if you’re not reading the stoics aged 5, grew up without the internet, and encountered a troubled childhood you may only just be learning in later years how precious time is and how much of it you’ve wasted on horrible people who have made you feel like shite.

Seneca- Clever bloke.

One of the beautiful things about making it to 50 is seeing all the things you did wrong. All the things you should have spent time on but didn’t because they were too difficult, boring or painful. All the people you overlooked or dismissed because you were drawn to the more colourful and “fun” people and things …..and the vast array of “fun” people and activities that sucked out precious time, energy and happiness from your life. What a waste of precious time and energy.

It isn’t until you spend time around people who are kind (and are also consistent in their kindness), but who preserve their own energy, time and secrets that you realise this is the ultimate life hack that the stoics knew two millennia ago. These people keep their powder dry. They hold their good marriages and their families sacred because they learnt the value of these things in childhood. They were nurtured and loved as children and so learnt to never suffer fools.  But we don’t all start the race of life at the same starting line and some of us have to come to understand later in life all the rubbish decisions we’ve made along the way spending time and energy with the wrong people in the wrong places.  

If you come from a place of parental neglect or abuse, unless this is dealt with early in life, you may continue the abuse yourself and sabotage your own health and happiness. This can often last a lifetime and is such as waste of good people, as often it’s the ones who haven’t had the best start in life who ultimately are often the most creative and leftfield thinkers and therefore have the most to give to the world. You will look for “therapies” or outlets such as food, drink, drugs, toxic friends, oversharing, sex, work, or pursuing status and money. Undoubtedly you will get addicted to at least one of these things in your lifetime.

If you suffered abandonment or neglect, you may spend years searching for validation from the wrong people or will overshare in relationships, even with work colleagues. If you are socialised as a female, you could fall into this trap. And it is a trap.

This is what should actually be taught in school. It would save the NHS a fortune. But don’t worry. We now have the internet and articles like these! We live in an era where healing has become democratised by access to knowledge and wisdom, whether it’s the stoics or Gabor Mate.

If you had a difficult childhood and suffer low self-esteem in adulthood, without addressing these issues here of just some of the goodies you can expect to experience throughout your adult life:-

Abusive relationships and female friendships.

Low self-esteem is a key personality trait for those who dealt with neglect or abuse as children, and without therapy you can spend years looking for acknowledgment and affirmation in the wrong places. Narcissists are often on hand to offer this much needed attention. A lot is written about narcissistic abuse in romantic relationships such as gaslighting, coercion and physical violence, but a more insidious form of abuse is through female friendships.

Sadly, women can fall foul of this much more than men due to how we are socialised. We are socialised to bond over our issues with dating, or being a mother, or a woman working in a man’s world. We are set up to share our lives openly with each other regardless of the harm that could ensue. It’s especially hard to spot a toxic narcissist when the friend in question has been a positive influence in many ways, (fun nights out, generous and giving when its suits them or supporting you through major life events.) But as you go through the path of healing, you might start to notice traits that others have seen for years. It might show up subtly at first but once you spot it you can’t "unspot" it.

For example, the narcissistic friend may belittle you amongst peers, disrespect your time and energy, overstep boundaries such as unsolicited criticism or negatively talk about your job, family, relationship, or children. This can often retraumatise a person who has been searching for approval and acknowledgement all their lives. You can attempt to address your concerns with the friend but its highly likely if they have treated you this way in the first place, then they have narcissistic traits and are bad for you. If they are a full-on narcissist its likely they will refuse point black to acknowledge what you’re saying anyway.

Another toxic trait you may need to remove from your life is controlling behaviour. Maybe during your years before professional therapy or self-help, you’ve taken up a lot of time and energy from a supportive female friend as you’ve tried to self-heal. But what you didn’t realise is that they were offering you conditional support. They may act for example, a bit like a toxic older sibling and need to control you. As you start to change and need them less, they may feel as though you're not behaving as you should. They may become enraged by your subordination. An unhealed person who needs to control you and others will never forgive you for being healed.

Even once you’ve learnt these behaviours are bad for you, it can be really hard to detach from toxic people. For example, if you were the emotional support for one of your parents and grew up walking on eggshells trying to fix mental health issues, you will need to double down on your impulse to heal others and giving people yet another chance to change. The child in you will fight hard to respond to this impulse. The healed adult in you needs to reassure the inner child that it’s time to move away from trying to fix people. It’s a bit like going to the gym or learning the guitar. Practice often and the muscle gets stronger even though it feels uncomfortable for a while. Sit with the uncomfortableness of guilt. Better to feel guilt than resentment or trauma. Be kind and offer light advice and then move on. Mind your own business. Literally.

Navigating your way out of the trauma matrix and into the healed garden…(avoiding the poisoned woods).

 

Traumatised women will find each other. It’s like a homing device we have through our heightened levels of emotional intelligence and how we’ve been socialised. Even in the most professional of settings we will find each other, be drawn to each other almost like moths to a flame. Traumatised adults who haven’t been through therapy and are yet to be “healed” tend to fall into two categories. They are either healing empaths or malignant forces. The fun part is finding out which your new bestie that you’ve attracted is.  If you’re unhealed, you’ll no doubt overshare all of your past and current traumas with this new friend which is a huge burden to your nervous system, and you will be addicted to doing so. If you find a fellow empath who is a natural healer there is a chance that you can heal together, however this is rare. You navigate your way out of the matrix of trauma together until you both get out and enter the garden and have the sun on your faces together at the same time. This is a true and rare blessing and takes emotional intelligence and willingness on both parts to follow the path together and this requires trust. You will spend evenings sending each other Instagram memes explaining toxic traits or patterns of sabotage to each other and then one day you won’t need to do this anymore as you’ll be out the other side sunning yourselves in the garden. (This garden, by the way, is where most people get to dwell all their adult lives. Most of your friends and colleagues and even some of your extended family members have been hanging out here all their lives, and you never even knew it existed….you’ll have to come to terms with that too.)

Navigating your way out of the poisoned woods

However, oversharing is usually a sign of toxic co-dependency.  You may fall foul of the tricksters, the clever narcissists, and this will make your path out of the trauma matrix incredibly difficult to navigate. They will instead lead you into the poisoned woods, where they’ve been dwelling all their lives, unhealed from their childhood abuse and repeating the same patterns as their abusive parents. Many unhealed empaths never make it out of the trauma matrix in their lifetimes and so this article is here to mitigate that happening for as many women as possible.

"It's not that we have little time but more that we waste a good deal of it." (Seneca)

With existing established relationships it’s hard to unravel the years of weeds that have grown at your feet, and you will have to decide whether to let go of that person or simply keep them at arm’s length. But with new friends, colleagues and potential partners, once you are healed and aware of your triggers and needs and wants, you have a choice.

Post healing, here's a hack for how to reposition yourself with the existing people in your life and also how to avoid toxic new ones. For every meeting each day with a person ask yourself:-

How do I want to represent myself today?

What do I need and want from this exchange?

What is my gut telling me?

How much time am I willing to give this person?

What does this person need and want and what is their unspoken motive? (It’s OK to have a motive, we all have one, as long as it doesn’t harm you, retraumatise you or steal your time, self-respect and energy.)

When meeting a new person or getting to know them consider the following: -

Do they show traits of a healed or unhealed person? (confident, courteous, calm or otherwise?)

What is my motive? Why am I drawn to this person or situation?  Could this become a toxic codependent relationship?  (reliving patterns such as healing your mother, looking for attention from an absent father, fighting for attention with a sibling etc)

What do I want from this person or situation?

Will this person sustain my interest enough to be a friend? Is it fair to invest in them if they are unhealed?

What box do they put you in and how comfortable are you with that box? (are there any micro aggressions, or stereotypical assumptions about your class, race, intellect, sexuality, physical persona or gender?)

What values does this person hold dear? (what are there political, moral and spiritual beliefs?)

What language are you using to present yourself? (are you sharing too much about yourself, saying sorry too much, speaking negatively about yourself or your inner circle?)

What clues do they give you? There are many forms of narcissism - including overt, covert, communal, antagonistic, grandiose, vulnerable and malignant. If you suspect toxicity, it can be useful to find out which one the person seems chime with.

For example, do they come across fun and creative but self-absorbed and absent minded when it comes to the needs of others? Are they hypersensitive and defensive?  Do they show overt grandiosity or even aggression and boldness? An empath or someone with a trauma wound will continue to attract narcissists until they learn the hacks. The good news is you don’t have to diagnose everyone you meet as a narcissist!  You simply need to treat all new people the same. In all interactions going forward do the following:-

·         Be kind to all (including and especially yourself)

·         Set your boundaries early

·         Be conscious of your time and how valuable it is

·         Use your strong empathy and EQ to guide your gut

·         State your intent and needs early and with confidence

·         Don't denigrate people or organisations

·         Don't share your life story

·         Don't share weaknesses

·         State what you enjoy, what you want and need and can offer the person clearly

Essentially colleagues, family and friends should be fun people you do fun things with, and not your unpaid counsellor or people you need to counsel. Friends need to be consistent and kind. It;s that simple. Listen to your gut as it probably already knows whether this person is good or bad for you, but give them the three strikes and then out rule all the same.

The alternative is to avoid humans as much as possible, but this cuts out a lot of the fun that there is to be had in the world.  Your time is precious. You can’t relive your lost years but you can be grateful for the journey and the learning and you can make the most of the time you have left. People are there to share joy with, and you can now prioritise that every day.

So that’s it. Follow this guidance and you can enjoy the rest of your life and the people in it. Most of all, be your own best friend.